I have lived a pretty chaotic life. You can literally say that I have gone through a roller coaster ride in my young life. And because of all the chaos and change that I have experienced, I have become obsessed with exercising control in every bit of my life that I can. I was scared of instability and I was scared of letting go of any control that I have. But I was not like this before. I used to be carefree. Maybe too carefree. So basically I was a mess, a very organized piece of mess.
My Path To Yoga, Meditation and Nia
When I was young I have grown up to be a fat kid. I did not have a good boyfriend in highschool since most boys in school wanted girls to be skinny for them to date. As college came in I lost a lot of weight and became pretty addicted to exercise. I was so happy and I was filled with self-confidence. As I started working I became fat again to some hormonal issues. It was very depressing. From being a size 2, I blew up into a size 20. I gained so much weight that people could not recognize me anymore. Basically I became fat, lonely and depressed.
After a few months, I decided to visit the doctor to find out what was wrong with me and how I could deal with this issue. I have realized that becoming fat was not totally my fault although I did not exercise as crazy as before. I slowly came into terms with my weight and started to accept who I truly was. I have decided to become beautiful no matter what my size or my waist line was.
A few years fast-forward into the present. I became diabetic. I had to lose weight but since I was so busy with my work and another part time job, I did not have time for exercise. I always made excuses. I was too tired or I just wanted to relax in my free time and watch TV or read. This time, I was happy with my body, but I was sick and fat. Thus began my journey with Yoga.
I decided that regular exercise was not for me as I did not want to go to the gym filled with skinny girls working out and judging me as I struggle to lose weight. I have always been amazed at how calm Yogis were as they did very difficult poses. I wanted to do that. I never knew how difficult this journey would be.
So one Friday night, after my work, I decided to go to a Yoga Studio. I was the only student in that Introduction to Yoga class. I was kind of relieved that it was just me and the Yoga teacher. I fell in love with Yoga right away.
I started doing Yoga twice a week. I also tried doing it a home for about 15 to 20 minutes before I ate my lunch or dinner. It had been very therapeutic. It hurt a lot though. My body ached in places that I did not know would ache before. But the pain thought me DISCIPLINE and HUMILITY.
Rewind a bit, I have started meditation to clear the noise in my head. A few months before I began yoga and before I found out I was diabetic, I had started clearing my mind and centring. It had helped me become more aware of who I am without feeling too confused or suffocated with who I was.
In the same Yoga studio I went to, there was a dance class called Nia. Nia was basically a mixture of dance, yoga and martial arts such as tai-chi and kapoera. I decided to join this class. It had been exhilarating. I was able to meditate while moving my body fast beautiful music. The Nia dances were called Passion, Fly, We R 1, Grace and many more. They allow me to really discover my body. So began my journey with dance. It was difficult but it made me feel beautiful. So I combined Nia dancing to my Yoga practice.
My Awakening and Re-Awakening
Through Yoga I was able to feel many new things about myself. I was able learn who I was NOW and who I WANTED to be. Meditation allowed me to have clear and centred mind despite all the pressures that life has thrown at me. Dancing made me feel happy and alive.
When I was young, I knew I had my first Awakening, or Kundalini Awakening as most Yogis would call it. I was a moment that life truly made sense to me. But it got lost somewhere in the journey towards being a productive adult. Adulthood was difficult. It made me feel so many things at once and the pressure was too great that I almost always felt lost or almost broke down.
When I started Yoga, I started to be aware of my body. I learned that the goal was not just to lose weight and have this ideal body, but to come into terms of moving your body. Of course being overweight prevented me from doing many different poses. This meant that my Yoga practice was limited. So I decided to lose weight and also strengthen my body. I learned the value of HARD WORK. I also realized how to be PATIENT with who I was and what I am at. Things need not be rushed. I learned DISCIPLINE in the painful poses and through regular practice. I also learned that pain brings forth WISDOM. Thus my mind, body and soul was awaked.
I realized that I needed to sow kindness into this world. I started giving food to stray animals because they were the most neglected beings in this world. I started to make a conscious effort to choose to be happy, such as what Dancing has taught me. I needed to move with grace in every step of live, even in adversity.
I also became aware that Meditation was the key in attaining A CONTINOUS AWAKENING PROCESS. I must learn to listen and remove the noise from inside and outside. Meditation helped me to feel happier in happy times and strong in those times that I just want to breakdown and cry.
I have formulated the way that I must travel through life:
There are only three ways to go through life. Hold on to it just like when you hold a pose in Yoga, even if it so painful and you just want to rest just hold on. Because you know that the pain and the journey is cleansing and stregthening just like Yoga. Meditate through it and allow your mind to be free at all levels. Dance through life. Celebrate each up and down and enjoy the music of life.
This mantra allowed me to be serene in every point of my life. It also helped my psyche see things differently, to be more aware of things that surround me.